In other news, the one-month waiting period I assigned myself after my last breakup has ended. For that month, I was too busy hurting myself to start liking anyone else. And I desperately hope that the feeling in the pit of my stomach is from some kind of illness, not what I know it really is. Because I’m finally getting to the question at hand, the thing I won’t admit even to myself. I’m going to rationalize myself out of this, though, before it gets out of hand. If all else fails, I’ll just ask for a proper rejection without telling him why.
Before I start rationalizing and denying it, though, I have to admit to the feelings I’ve been trying my very, very hardest to ignore. Because it’s so preposterous, not even I would believe it. I believe that I am, in fact, developing non-platonic feelings for Jacob. The fact that I didn’t want to write that almost proves that it is true. So let me rationalize if I can the reasons why it’s impossible and improbable, along with the reasons I feel this way.
I believe that the reason I’m beginning to develop these feelings is mainly that he understands me, to some degree at least. He’s read my poetry, and no one reads my poetry, no one I know, at least. More than that, he read it, he understood it, and he helped me with my problems. With very few people have I had such a long, in-depth conversation about my issues. And very few such conversations have actually made me feel better. I doubt any have made me feel as good as the one I had with Jacob, because he didn’t judge me, he didn’t lie, he just gave me his honest opinion and advice. He complimented me, but I didn’t take it as one of those “you’re just saying that to make me feel better” things, because he was being honest. He told me that I’m smart enough to not kill myself, basically. And, though I’ve told myself and others that many times, I don’t think I’ve heard anyone else say it for me, let alone to me. His honesty is refreshing.
Secondly, he can make me laugh like few other people can. Just opening up the screen of the IM made me laugh hysterically, and he understood that. I told him that, and he changed his screen name to “FEAR THE POTATO!!!” just because it made me laugh. Not to mention the fact that he gave out potatoes as valentines this year. Something I doubt I’ll ever forget…
And he’s not conceited. In fact, he might be seen as having something of an inferiority complex. At least, he knows what other people think of him, and he doesn’t give a damn. Too many people are concerned with what people think, even to the point of trying to make themselves less-liked, just to be less-liked, which is pointless. He realizes that his choices and opinions aren’t popular ones, he knows that people don’t like him all that much, and he admits it. He said, basically, that he was the person you talk to because there’s nobody else around. Not true in my opinion, but he was being honest, if exaggerating.
It wouldn’t work for several reasons. For one, he’s moving to Alaska at the end of the year, so even if we did fall madly in love, I wouldn’t see him after a few months. Also, he said himself that he’s single, and hopes to stay that way until long after he enlists in the Army. He’s not into girls all that much, though I’m almost positive he’s straight.
I feel better now, and the feeling in my stomach has dissipated at least, if it’s not completely gone. I think that if I talk to him online later tonight, I’ll ask him to reassure me that there’s no chance of him suddenly falling madly in love with me, because that tends to be a habit in most of the guys I can talk to easily.
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